Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
#inspiration #foodforthought
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Sign of the day..
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Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?