In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.