WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
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My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.