a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*