Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
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Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I could NOT have put it better myself.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I know karate and tons of other words.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone