My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Art by Pastelkatto
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth