As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
You Might Also Like
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Meow
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.