me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The Birdles
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.