I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
You Might Also Like
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
some Old Testament wisdom
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You can’t rush stupid.
Meme Monday.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”