At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is