Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
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Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
This sounds bad:
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
you know what ruined my childhood? children
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me