[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
🖤✌🏽
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.