My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I need better friends
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Something Saturday.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”