Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.