why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Spring cleaning checklist…
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong