ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
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so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time