Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet