I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Art by Pastelkatto
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.