7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
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*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
doing your own taxes
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide