gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.