For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.