Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.