Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
we’re dead?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah