me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
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When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.