ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
me: I just don鈥檛 think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Welcome to the stomach
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
iPhone: I鈥檓 gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn鈥檛 do it bro. just didn鈥檛 feel right. vibe was off
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who鈥檚 being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 馃槼
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn鈥檛 happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
They grow up so quick
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”