Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
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I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
omg leave her alone
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge