They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
What is going on? 😅
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody