birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…