Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Who does Amazon think I am?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list