Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
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“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
so much to do