interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
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“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.