[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
You Might Also Like
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark