me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
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Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home