What do you hear?
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11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.