Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
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A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Jesus Christ lmao
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
How is it still this week?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
me adding lol on a serious message