contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
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My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.