Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
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The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…