Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.