Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work