Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
You Might Also Like
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried