Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
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The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
What even happened today?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
just pretend nothing happened
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.