Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
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Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Not messing around
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.