*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.