Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
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[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr