Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…