If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”