Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.