Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
You Might Also Like
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.