@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?