I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail